July 19th, 2006
We had some mail theft recently. Erich was vacationin with the family in some exotic place – Stanwood, I think maybe it was – and I was feedin the cats checkin the mail, doin what neighbors usually do when friends go away. My neighbors across the street even mow each other’s grass, but they don’t have the estate Erich does and I suppose I could make excuses, but hellfire, I was feedin his cussed cats and pickin up his bills – you expect me to pay em too????
Okay okay. After a few days of emptyin the mailbox, you get to know a person pretty good, sort of an unpaid private eye, seein what bills come from who, what associations they belong to, what magazines they get, what charities they contribute to, all that personal stuff. You can learn a lot –NOT that I’m analyzing their buyin habits, their credit card information, their givin trends, their collection agencies, the nasty threats they get; no, I’m just pickin it up and hidin it where snoopy folks, TOO inquisitive folks won’t find it and make it THEIR business when it ain’t. I mean we used to have privacy laws in this country and I don’t WHAT the damn government’s doin, I think a person ought to be able to hide his sins from the rest of the nosey neighbors.
So when I get to day 3 and the Collection Agency seems to have given up and the credit card applications have dried up and the charitable organizations have wised up and there’s NO MAIL for 3 straight days, I shoulda known. I shoulda waited by the mailbox in the ditch with all the empty beercans with a sawed off shotgun, cause I shoulda SURMISED some meth dealin crackhead was stealin Erich’s IDENTITY!!
But I’m happy to say it didn’t ever occur to me and because of that, Erich can thank me because that desperate junkie got more than junk mail, he got all of Erich’s overdue bills and now HE’S stuck with em and he’ll get to pay em off with his ill-gotten drug money and I say justice once again prevailed. So Erich can thank me for bailin him out once again. I just hope next time he doesn’t expect me to mow the lawn too.
July 19th, 2006
The economics of the South End have always been a little shaky. You want to make a marginal living down here, you got to be a little creative. Creative, John, not criminal. Altho, I will admit these aren’t always mutually exclusive. It explains of course why the South End has som many artists. Artists, John, not Con-Artists. Altho, I will admit once again, they sometimes go hand in hand.
Artists are folks who don’t mind being ignored or ridiculed or even ostracized. They’re folks who dance to a different drummer, who aren’t afraid of poverty, who don’t mind being misunderstood. They don’t think like you and me, they don’t dress like you and me, they don’t view the universe like you and me. Our scientists on the South End have been studying their brains to see what it is that makes them different practically since the first one quit his job and declared he would be a painter. Most of them starved to death before the study was barely started, but because there were so dang MANY of them, the Lab Coat boys made some startling discoveries.
And even tho they’re preliminary, I’m gonna share the data with you folks in hopes you or your children don’t get afflicted by this terrible paralyzing condition without knowing the facts. The facts, Ladies and Gentlemen are grim. #1. Artists, as we’ve suspected, are, by definition, 100% insane. We got a couple in the band and I think by now you’ve made a positive ID without trying very hard at all. #2. Artists CANNOT hold a job. We’re still working on WHY that is, but this much is clear. They’re not called Starving Artists for nothing. Our scientists suspect a damaged chromosome in the Job Gene, but it’s too early to tell. #3. Artists see the world not so much thru the proverbial rose colored glasses as thru a mirror. In other words, they think the world is a reflection of THEM. Sadly, they think you should think so too. #4. Artists are bi-polar. I mean, DUH……One day their art is the best, most creative, most inspired work on the planet in all of history for all times. Next day7 they think it’s pure unadulterated compost. This is why they cut off their ears and take drugs and drink too much. Some of which makes them inspired all over again, what we researchers call a Vicious Circle.
So Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be artists. We got an overabundance down here on the South End. No John, overabundance, not overindulgent….. Oh hell, you’re right what’s the difference? We’re going to take a vote after this next song, see how many of you can guess John’s profession….