crabkillers ho!

February 8th, 2008

    Now we crusty old timers on the South end, being somewhat less touchy-feely than our good neighbors to the north, we aren’t squeamish about our crab killing protocol.  When our friends visit for a dinner of the 8 legged killing machines and ask how did I euthanize the monsters, I usually spare them the awful details.  Graphic descriptions aren’t going to sharpen an appetitie.
     But now we got folks lobbying for the humane treatment of crab, the PETI crowd, People for the Ethical Treatment of Invertebrates, card carrying crab huggers who want to use a soybean based faux seafood diet to replace our traditional crab boil.
     I say we got to nip this in the claw.  We got to stand up to these radical vegetarians and say enough is enough.  You put crabs on the endangered sensitivity list, you’ll find em soon on our  manicured lawns like slugs with machetes, maybe just a pekinese at first, but then kids, the wheelchair bound, and finally a full blown suburban siege.  The PETI people don’t care.  They’re probably building crab proof fallout shelters.  The may even believe they can befriend them, teach em tricks, stand on their hind legs and click out a castanet cha-cha-cha. 
     We got to stop this.  Our South End way of life is a crabcentric culture.  Diet, art, myths —- all revolving around the Dungeness.  Lawn ornament shrines abound.  Crab pot buoys hang from deadeyes and 1 inch thick boom chains.  Crab salt shakers and crab image shower curtains — proof that the crustacean is a totemic being.
     Means nothing to the PETI people!  They’re enlightened — we’re savage.  You think they won’t succeed, they already put a stop to eating dogs and cats.  Gotta keep em for companions now, not dinner.  We got people eating Hungry Man dinners and Lean Cuisine with a 60 lb. dog for companionship.  Well, I for one, am not waiting for the sad sorry day I’m eating tofu burgers, watching TV with my little crab Dungy.  I’m not giving in without a fight and I hope I can count on you folks to join me.  Meanwhile, eat up!

Entry Filed under: deer in the headlights (concert commentary)